similar blood.

i love my sister.

she's crying again,
but not on my shoulder because i can't be there like a good sister would.

she's hurt again,
because her friends are being placed in the earth faster than a peregrine falcon in a stoop.

she's lost again,
and i don't even know where to look in order to find her.

i want to tell her "everything will be okay" but every time i do, it's a lie.

i love my sister.

universal flaw.

no one is who they pretend to be and first impressions are complete bullshit.
we are who we need to be to get what we want.
selfish motivations hide behind all the things we do.
people deny this
so people can sleep.
i am who i need to be to get what i want.
i sleep just fine.

it is a universal flaw.

The Olympian

We are all forced into this world and when our fathers don't want us,
they eat us instead.
We go on living inside their bellies,
searching, scratching for a way out.
Our mothers cannot rescue us,
for they are powerless.
Let's rely on the children that are loved.
If they take pity on us, then maybe they will fight for us.
But why would they take that risk?
They have nothing to prove.
They have already survived.
We are the pathetic ones;
not strong enough to make it on our own.

Defenseless or not, we were all given beating hearts.
My heart has proven to not be good enough.
Not worth taking a risk on;
because once you rescue me, child of love,
I will do no good and only take up the precious space.

vs. the night

It is true.
I am scared of the dark.
But more so than the dark,
it's the silence I find to be most frightening.

It fills my head with negative thoughts.
about myself.
about my God.
about my neighbors.

In the corners of those dark and silent places, there is no God.

We are alone to fend for ourselves.

What lurks in the dark is
our own guilt.
our own sin.
our own vanity.

It's coming to eat us alive.
and it can.

because no one is watching over us, under this blanket of the night.

the irony of change.

So because of many things, mostly school, I haven't had much time to do my own research for my history trip. However, with the help of a pal, I have decided to travel up the east coast starting in South Carolina. I feel that S. C. is a great place to start because there are literally hundreds of historical places to venture to there. When school isn't consuming every moment of every day for me I will begin narrowing down my choices on what places I will be visiting.

Until then, I would like to share with you some ironic writings I found from the past and the present. Comparing them now makes me feel as if I may never be satisfied with my own emotions.

June 20, 2008

I do not fit in.
I know who I am.
I know who I want to be.
Where are all my friends?
I'm just not comfortable and I miss feeling comfortable.
I need to feel comfortable.
I'm determined to feel comfortable again.

July 19, 2009

I'm beginning to feel discomfort on every surface my feet walk. I used to find comfort and happiness in this city. I used to find comfort and happiness at home. This comfort has turned into contentment and the idea of just being content is making me anxious. I get this feeling that I'm missing something. So I searched in Bloomington for something to fill this emptiness. Then I searched in my hometown for a sense of belonging. I flew to Texas to find excitement that could be everlasting, and all I found in these places were boredom, letdowns, and a feeling that I was meant to be somewhere else....or maybe I'm just simply missing something as a person; as a creation of God. And maybe I'm just missing God. Call me back.

When Technology Fails, I Get Smarter.

My roommate, April, left me all alone in this apartment for about a week. But since I was gone for most of July traveling through Texas and Florida I feel like this loneliness is partially deserved. At first I was a little worried about the being alone part. It's never really enjoyable to hang out with yourself constantly. After the cable and internet went out, I became even more worried. I started going to the library pretty consistently to pick up documentaries on things like Monarchy, The President in Crisis, Salem Witch Trials, The Lost Book of Nostradamus, and Cults (amongst other things). I've had this craving lately for knowledge concerning our history and just how things came into being. I feel ignorant not knowing. I figure reading and watching more documentaries is one way to shed off the pounds of ignorance.

The cable was fixed yesterday and I got worried again that I may resort back to watching old episodes of 90210 on the soap channel. However, my love for the history channel has grown since the absence of cable and now I find myself looking forward to certain upcoming episodes. In fact, if we're being honest, I'll change my schedule around to fit in special episodes of things like The Lost Pyramid, Patton 360, and The Hitler Conspiracy. Call me a nerd, I wouldn't even be offended at this point.

I think I'm going to plan a month long trip where I travel to historical destinations so I can get a better feel of everything that has taken place over the years. So my next few blogs will probably include places I would like to travel and their significance. If anyone actually reads this they could potentially find themselves very bored with what is going to take place here. but if you're a lover of history, then maybe you should plan the trip with me.

I Got A Pea

I realize a lot of what I blog about is pretty heavy stuff, so here's a little something to lighten things up a bit.